Put Some Solvahol On That

The news is sensationalizing one view on an issue. Your friend just can’t get past an annoying situation. Your kids are frustrated because their teachers don’t make sense. If you care, then treat it like a problem. And put some solvahol on it.

What Problem?

When you’re the person who has a problem, it can be hard to zoom out and really consider the situation. Decide up front to zoom out and help put the focus on what’s important.

When it comes to conflict between people, the conflict is never about the conflict. The news media will present details selected to fire up your emotions. Your friend and your kids are blaming that situation and their teachers for their inability to achieve something.

Ask yourself “What are these people trying to achieve?” and “Who does it serve, for things to be this way?” Try to understand why what’s happening is important.

Do I Have To Solve This Problem?

When someone tells me something that sounds like a problem, I immediately try to solve it. It’s a reflex. When the problem sounds big, urgent, or simple, I attack: What’s the fastest way we can stop having this problem?

Most of the time, though, the person I’m talking with doesn’t need me to fix anything. They need to talk it out or think it through; Sometimes they just need to be heard.

So, listen and pay attention. Until you know how you’re supposed to help, maybe just take a mental inventory of each problem you discover :

• Is this a problem we have now? Is it a problem we will have?
• Can we just stop having this problem?
• What if we ignore this problem for now?
• Whose job is it to fix or prevent this problem?

When It’s Time To Help

When it’s time to help, put the focus on what’s important to the people you care about. You’re not erasing symptoms, you’re helping people achieve something.

“It sounds like you’re trying to <do something>, and <this situation> is making that difficult.”

“What other ways have you already tried to <do that>?”

“<This situation> sounds like a problem. I wonder whose job it is to prevent it?”